If I were… (pilfered from James D)
If I were a planet I would be Mercury, because even it never seems to know where it’s going.
If I were a month I would be August, not because I’m blisteringly hot, but because if it wasn’t annoying nobody would notice it was there.
If I were a day of the week I would be Thursday, just a bit too late for the hump.
If I were a time of day I would be 4:00am, storing up energy for a run at the unknown.
If I were a sea animal I would be an urchin, minding my own business until someone stepped on me.
If I were a direction I would be that way. No, the other way.
If I were a piece of furniture I would be a stepladder. Occasionally useful, but hard on the shins when it’s the middle of the night and you stumble into me.
If I were a sin I would be lust.
If I were a historical figure I would be Rasputin.
If I were a liquid I would be that annoying water in your ear after a shower that you just can’t get to come out.
If I were a stone I would be an opal, varying based on where you come at me from.
If I were a tree I would be an old oak with a rotten heart.
If I were a bird I would be a magpie. What out for your shiny stuff.
If I were a tool I would be that screwdriver in the drawer with a tip that works sometimes, but doesn’t really fit anything.
If I were a flower I would be a night-blooming jasmine, and day lilies could kiss my fragrant ass.
If I were a kind of weather I would be freezing rain.
If I were an animal I would be a badger. Not because I am, but because I’d like to be.
If I were a color or shade I would be a shade of green that there’s no Crayola match for, even in the big box with the sharpener on it.
If I were an emotion I would be disbelief.
If I were a vegetable I would be typing this with my tongue.
If I were a sound I would be that strange noise in the distance that was either a dog howling or an escaped animal from the zoo getting its first kill in years.
If I were an element I would be kryptonite.
If I were a car I would be a ‘71 Pinto with a spoiler and nitrous.
If I were a song I would be “Me Myself I” by Joan Armatrading.
If I were a movie I would be directed by Kevin Smith.
If I were a book I would be written by Dr. Seuss.
If I were a food I would be something that didn’t turn out anything like what you thought you’d ordered.
If I were a place I would be overrun with tourists for a season, after which I’d be passed over for newer and more exciting places, though there’d be a small core of visitors who’d love me enough to come back every year.
If I were a material I would be burlap: handy to have around but itchy as hell.
If I were a taste I would be bittersweet, with extra bitter.
If I were a scent I would be that smell that might be someone’s fireplace, or might be the garage burning down.
If I were a word I would be “mutable.”
If I were a body part I would be the left eyebrow.
If I were a facial expression I would be quizzical.
If I were a subject in school I would be creative writing.
If I were a cartoon character I would be L from Death Note.
If I were a shape I would be obtuse.
